Jokes

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Thought I’d share my experience of shopping during lockdown.

My typical visit to shops during Covid-19. You’ve had to queue like it was Mother Russia in the 80’s waiting in line for bread rations. Get into the shop in an orderly fashion, keeping 2 meters from everyone. You patiently wait on Doreen who decides she must read all the ingredients of the cereal she’s been buying for the last six years just to wind you right up as she knows you are adhering to social distancing and she’s frankly a bit moist with the control she has over you. You smile at her behind dead eyes and wonder if you could chuck a jar of jam at her head to speed her up. Distraction comes from a fast moving man wearing a manky facemask that looks like he could boil it to make stock for soup. For some reason he thinks it grants him immutinty as weaves in and out 1ft away from everyone. This time thoughts turn to murder, please let today be the day Aldi are selling rocket launchers with rockets half price in the middle aisle because if they are that soup faced mask wearing twat is getting it!
Anxiety is now kicking in big time while you tense up and start swearing at anyone who comes near you. You feel the need to scratch your face but a voice in your head is shouting MUST NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE. Do I need to cough. Omg I need to cough. Concentrate, you can’t cough.
What did I come in for? Oh god there’s someone coming towards me, they are going the wrong way. Evacuate, leave the trolley, run !!! Wait. Pull yourself together. Get the stuff and get out. Breath. Well not too much you don’t know where these people have been. Just breath if you have to just enough so you don’t pass out. What did I come in for? Proceed to do a supermarket sweep like shop. May as well get any shit I can while enduring this torture. Don’t want to come back and do this again in a hurry. Get to the check out and swear this time not even under your breath at anyone even a ball hair closer than 2 meters. Thank the person on the checkout profusely then realise you are beginning to feel strangely emotional and want to hug them for their contribution to society then realise you can’t because it’s weird and you could potentially kill them. Get to car, unload trolley retrieve your pound coin then get into car and slather yourself in hand sanitizer. Drive home feeling drained and emotional and promise yourself a lie down and maybe a chocolate biscuit.

 

 

 

 

mask

 

 

mrbean

70 days of total lockdown now, i was talking to a spider earlier this morning, he was telling me he is a Web Designer.

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housemona

 

 

 

 

spaghetti kid

train joke

Does anyone know just what it was the knights in white sat in?

This is my friend Donny who lives in Florida and we play War Thunder together. The idea of the game is to be camouflaged and as a joke he designed this tank skin. Clip taken by Penny

Donny Tank

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

jokechurch4

joke church2joke church

joke church3

 

So! Once we are all out of lockdown I have found us all

a new hobby!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you want to save money at Xmas, now’s the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn’t make it through the pandemic

 

 

Lockdown lingo – are you fully conversant with the new terminology?

*Coronacoaster*
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.

*Quarantinis*
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

*Le Creuset wrist*
It’s the new “avocado hand” – an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

*Coronials*
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.

*Furlough Merlot*
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.

*Coronadose*
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

*The elephant in the Zoom*
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

*Quentin Quarantino*
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

*Covidiot* or *Wuhan-ker*
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker”.

*Goutbreak*
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.

*Antisocial distancing*
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

*Coughin’ dodger*
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror.

*Mask-ara*
Extra make-up applied to “make one’s eyes pop” before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

*Covid-10*
The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve.

 

 

 

 

 

social distancing christening

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2020 PeaBrain

The characters in this film are fictional and not based on real people, any resemblance is a co-incidence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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30 books of the Bible

This is a most remarkable puzzle. It was found by a gentleman in an airplane seat pocket, on a flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu, keeping him occupied for hours. He enjoyed it so much, he passed it on to some friends. One friend from Illinois worked on this while fishing from his john boat. Another friend studied it while playing his banjo. Elaine Taylor, a columnist friend, was so intrigued by it she mentioned it in her weekly newspaper column. Another friend judges the job of solving this puzzle so involving, she brews a cup of tea to help her nerves. There will be some names that are really easy to spot. That’s a fact. Some people, however, will soon find themselves in a jam, especially since the book names are not necessarily capitalized. Truthfully, from answers we get, we are forced to admit it usually takes a minister or a scholar to see some of them at the worst. Research has shown that something in our genes is responsible for the difficulty we have in seeing the books in this paragraph. During a recent fund raising event, which featured this puzzle, the Alpha Delta Phi lemonade booth set a new record. The local paper, The Chronicle, surveyed over 200 patrons who reported that this puzzle was one of the most difficult they had ever seen. As Daniel Humana humbly puts it, “The books are all right here in plain view hidden from sight.” Those able to find all of them will hear great lamentations from those who have to be shown. One revelation that may help is that books like Timothy and Samuel may occur without their numbers. Also, keep in mind, that punctuation and spaces in the middle are normal. A chipper attitude will help you compete really well against those who claim to know the answers. Remember, there is no need for a mad exodus; there really are 30 books of the Bible lurking somewhere in this paragraph waiting to be found. GO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

dettol

WARNING!!!!!!    DO NOT INJECT THIS LIQUID!!!!!!!

 

 

 

teddy bears

 

 

 

 

I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower” – I think I might have florets.

 

 

 

 

jesus

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

bruce

 

 

quarintine1

 

 

My mate rang and said: “My diet isn’t going well. I’m having five eggs for breakfast.” I replied: “What poached, scrambled or boiled?” He said: “No, Cadbury’s…”

 

I don’t like Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THIS IS ONE FOR THE KNIT, STITCH AND NATTER GROUP

 

 

Knit-Face-Mask-Free-Knitting-Pattern-f3

 

 

joke

 

 

God and Grass Thought you gardeners would enjoy this conversation between God and St. Francis. It is hilarious because it is so true.

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.

And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? ST. CATHERINE: ‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about….

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

 

 

And why not have a sing along to the tune of These are a few of my favourite things….. Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,

When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favourite things,

And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,

And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,

When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache,

When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I’ve had,

And then I don’t feel so bad.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash-light ‘Off’, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out, so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard the words, “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that ?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.” The burglar relaxed.. “Warn me, huh ? Who in the world are you ?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses ?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird, ‘Moses’ ?” “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, ‘Jesus’.”

Take one Weetabix.

Take an Aero chocolate bar.

Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila!

AEROBIX !

 

 

Quiz

1. How many former British prime ministers are still alive?

2. Which US fast food chain opened first in the UK, in Preston, in 1965?

3. Who popularised the Cheshire Cat?

4. With whom in 1982 did Queen Elizabeth II famously go out riding with at Windsor

Castle?

5. In what did John Frieda and Nicky Clarke make their name?

6. What is the most common tree in Britain?

7. What are Muck, Eigg, Rigga, and Rum?

8. Where was the country home of Sir Winston Churchill?

9. Name an English town beginning with J.

10. Where is Britain’s largest National Park?

 

illegal gathering

 

zoom disciples